Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
