It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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