"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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