she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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