Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
