i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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