Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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