I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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