i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
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