I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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