Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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