Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
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