if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
