I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
