if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
