So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
