There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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