It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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