He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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