I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
