Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My vagina is officially offended.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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