I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
