when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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