Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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