My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
