I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
