if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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