Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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