grandma shit on top of the toilet
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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