While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I will be naked everywhere
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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