I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
