I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
