gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
