Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize