i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
