My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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