your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
