So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
