I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
