mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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