Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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