sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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