I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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