god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
