Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
