Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
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