There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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