Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
