She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
