took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
