and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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