at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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