I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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