i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize