Is it normal to miss your booty call?
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
