i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
