Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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