i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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