at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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