The best revenge is premature balding
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
