The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
my shit smells like andre
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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