Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Such a big mess for such a small penis
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
