that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
