My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
