I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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