I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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