So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You are a genius and a whore.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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