Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
